My heart feels as though it's just going to crush my ribs and burst through my chest. My arms and legs feel like jello. I am mindlessly walking around, not really aware of what I'm doing. My job is so routine and the questions repetative that I feel like I can do them in my sleep, which is, essentially what I am doing. My stomach is weightless as I feel as though a billion butterflies are trapped inside. My head is pounding and aching.
When does justice come? They say to those who wait...but I must say, I have been waiting a long time only to see the bandit escape with all of the treasure and left me bleeding and broken on the side of the road. How is it that someone can get away with everything, and not do anything to promote his new found "wealth"?
Just when I think things are finally starting to go the way I need them too, that things are starting to work out and my patience and dilagence is starting to become recognised, my boat capsizes and i'm left drowning in the ocean. I see the life boat and every time I try to swim to it, the current takes it further and further away, leaving me to drown. It's hard to understand how you can spend so much time doing what you think is right, and what you feel is best, only to have it slammed back at you.
There are a million ways to describe it, like nice guys always finish last...that's about how I am feeling. Defeated. I finally feel stress free, well, not stress free, but I feel a lot lighter...happier...positive...like things are going to work out. Like it's finally my turn to have something good happen. Only it's not. It's a cruel joke over and over again. Like I'm stuck on April Fool's day and there's no tomorrow.
Hopeless...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
A New Beginning
Ah...To say I'm free would be an understatement. I feel that I have been "renewed". For the last four years, I feel as though I have lost who I am. I am now beginning the process of finding myself. As a kid, I always though I knew who I was. I knew my family, and friends, what I liked and what I didn't like. I had that perfect vision of who I would be, where I would be and what I would be doing when I grew up. Little did I know, that when i grew up, my imaginations would be completely off.
I lived life. I was a sweet girl who would never speak ill about anyone. I cared of others feelings and had a sense of security, or nieveity. I had fun, enjoyed life. I always saw the good in people and things. I had goals, purposes...then it's like it all came crashing down. I suddenly found myself hating me. I hate the person I had become and where my life was going. I experienced things that I don't feel someone at 22 and 23 should have experienced. I felt myself morphing into theis hateful thing. I found myself saying whatever came to mind without a regard for who it would hurt. I said aweful things that I would never have imagined would come out of my mouth let alone enter my mind. I felt myself "wasting away". All I wanted to do was lie in bed. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to be around people.
Then one day, it was like I suddenly woke up from a trance. Litterally. I got up and sort of "saw my life flash before my eyes." I hated me. I hated the things I did and said, I hated where I was, who I was with...I hated that I had become this "hateable" person...I was full of hate and resentment. I have never felt so evil, so heavy, in my entire life. I really felt like I was dragging at everything I did. I couldn't remember the last time I genuily smiled, or had fun. (Except with the birth of my son, and our times together.) I realized I had to get out. I had to find me again. I knew who I had been, I knew who I was, and I knew who I didn't want to be. I am now beginning my life again, trying to find who I am. I figured I had 3 ideas of who I could be, and if I could take just a little from each, I could build up the best possible me I can be.
I have seen a change in the last year. I see myself being kind and sweet, I try hard not to speak ill of others, or ever think negative or bad things. I have found my smile again. I have fun. I am still working on seeing the good in things. Unfortunatly, my life experiences have taught me to always see the negative in things first, and to always look for that unfortunate thing that is going to come out of it. I live life always waiting for things to go wrong. I am working on changing that. I am working on finding the good in things and people. I feel that I have a good start. With my friends and family behind me, I feel that i can achieve the goals I have set for myself and become the best possible version of me that I can. I am excited that I am able to have another chance to experience life, to find where I am supposed to be.
I lived life. I was a sweet girl who would never speak ill about anyone. I cared of others feelings and had a sense of security, or nieveity. I had fun, enjoyed life. I always saw the good in people and things. I had goals, purposes...then it's like it all came crashing down. I suddenly found myself hating me. I hate the person I had become and where my life was going. I experienced things that I don't feel someone at 22 and 23 should have experienced. I felt myself morphing into theis hateful thing. I found myself saying whatever came to mind without a regard for who it would hurt. I said aweful things that I would never have imagined would come out of my mouth let alone enter my mind. I felt myself "wasting away". All I wanted to do was lie in bed. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to be around people.
Then one day, it was like I suddenly woke up from a trance. Litterally. I got up and sort of "saw my life flash before my eyes." I hated me. I hated the things I did and said, I hated where I was, who I was with...I hated that I had become this "hateable" person...I was full of hate and resentment. I have never felt so evil, so heavy, in my entire life. I really felt like I was dragging at everything I did. I couldn't remember the last time I genuily smiled, or had fun. (Except with the birth of my son, and our times together.) I realized I had to get out. I had to find me again. I knew who I had been, I knew who I was, and I knew who I didn't want to be. I am now beginning my life again, trying to find who I am. I figured I had 3 ideas of who I could be, and if I could take just a little from each, I could build up the best possible me I can be.
I have seen a change in the last year. I see myself being kind and sweet, I try hard not to speak ill of others, or ever think negative or bad things. I have found my smile again. I have fun. I am still working on seeing the good in things. Unfortunatly, my life experiences have taught me to always see the negative in things first, and to always look for that unfortunate thing that is going to come out of it. I live life always waiting for things to go wrong. I am working on changing that. I am working on finding the good in things and people. I feel that I have a good start. With my friends and family behind me, I feel that i can achieve the goals I have set for myself and become the best possible version of me that I can. I am excited that I am able to have another chance to experience life, to find where I am supposed to be.
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